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nanny stress

43 weeks since my last post. 

hours and hours to catch up.  so just today.

this morning: story hour with c.  after, we sat in one of the big arm chairs at the bookstore and read picture books.

this afternoon: stopped at trader joe's for sushi me and teriaki chicken w/veggies for her.  also, went a little crazy and bought ice cream bon bons and some cookies.   which i ate after she went down for her nap as i watched one of the free on demand movies.  "the holiday" was awful.  stay away. 

close up



window, originally uploaded by saralita.

waiting for the first signs of spring...


the moon is faint shadow and sliver
inked over through the curtainless windowpane
i keep all the lights on, even though
apollo always carries through on
his promise to return, aurora in tow. 
the clock is restless, her clicking 
loud against the plaster walls.
she does not trust easily and keeps 
a measured watchful eye. 

heartburn wakes me early.  so i write a bit bleary eyed.  i want to quit smoking soon.  i want to buy a car soon.  sometimes i feel paralyzed by fear and cannot leave the apartment for hours.  other times, i escape quite easily into the shower and out the door.  this month is a bad memory.  i do not sleep well.  i mix metaphors.  do clocks have eyes, as well as arms?  i wonder if i can fall back asleep ?  the cars are beginning to yawn and stir and get out of bed.  it is saturday now.  the day to scrub clean and sort and fold.  

the beautiful sensation of having the bed to myself. 
not having to share the quilts. 
reading until two in the morning. 
falling alseep with the radio on. 

if on a winter's night....

today: ordered christmas gifts and a book from amazon arrive in the mail. some wrapping. a phone call from new york. catching up while getting dressed. buy cigarrettes, yet another lighter. talking down the street. missed the bus. caught the next bus. read new book: a stunning synchronicity. therapy: she tells me my psychatrist left his job without notice. stunned. she gives me techniques to cope with my anxiety.

tonight: realization sinks in. my disappearing doctor leaves me sad. dinner at haab's. we both have salmon. i can only eat half of my coconut cream pie. we walk home in the freezing wind. snuggling for a little minute on the sofa. he is so warm. his eyelashes are long pieces of licorice. later: he goes home to pay bills and to sleep. his first day at work was good. this makes me happy.

later still: christmas cards, "medium," uploading pictures. taking out the trash. flat ginger-ale. one goldfish cracker before i change my mind. yogurt.

now: up too late. very tired. one more cigarette. then sleeeeep....

with the first snow

this morning: eight a.m. phone call. misunderstanding. increased anxiety. quick ending to the the conversation

this afternoon: walked in the snow to get diet coke and smokes. took pictures outside. left k. a message to call after work.

this evening:writing. planning to make collages.

a little quiet...a little shimmery...

tonight: sitting in the dark with my white light christmas tree. cigarrettes. ginger-ale. the intrusion of memory.

today: coffee and cigarrettes with the long lost. a quick stop in a little shop. i ate your chanukah gelt. i'm sorry.

this morning: i loved waking up next to you. i loved writing in my living room knowing you were asleep in my bed.

last night: reading together in the laundromat.

second draft of poem

Second Draft

This unrequited longing
alternating beats of rage
and charity;
repeated incantations of
your given name wrapped
around my tongue wedged
in between my teeth like
tiny seeds that will never bloom.

c. Sara Kepich
July 10, 2006

my day

woke up feeling tired, congested, and overheated. couldn't get going for the longest time because i just felt really spaced out. eventually, i got my act together and bought a sofa style futon for my new living room. got the perfect cover for it as well....cotton blue and white indian print, exactly what i was looking for. the frame is dark, almost walnut, i think they call the stain: espresso. its a very sturdy frame.

found some blue and white mattress ticking style pillows at salvation army to go with it. i'm kind of going for the white/cream/blue/grey indo-parisian apartment look in the living room.